Hi.
John and I have been married for over two years now and all around us friends and cousins and friends of friends and cousins of friends etc. are having kids. Some are having that magically exciting first baby and some are having that incredibly blessed 2nd or 3rd or 4th child. And, like asking "how are you" when you see someone on the street, we, as newlyweds, always get asked "when are you having kids?" We get asked together, we get asked individually, and even our families get asked.
It's a natural progression right? First comes love...then comes marriage...then comes... Sarah with a Yorkie in a sweater?! Well that doesn't seem quite right ;)
People are not being rude when they ask it. It's a natural question like asking if you want a drink with your meal: when will you have kids?
People are not being rude when they ask it. It's a natural question like asking if you want a drink with your meal: when will you have kids?
But here's the truth that shocks almost everyone who asks: WE MIGHT NOT HAVE KIDS.
The answer we always give in some form or other to the question of "having children": we're not sure yet and frankly we haven't decided yet if we are going to have them at all. Most folks try really hard to avoid the next question but without fail it finds its way out: But WHY?! Why wouldn't you have kids? How could you not want them? Or how could you just not have them?
I always giggle a little at this point because by now I know it's coming and it's almost as if I'm a mind reader (which is why i laugh).
But here's the truth: We're selfish. We really really enjoy taking trips together and buying each other useless ridiculous things (like the tablet John bought me for my birthday or the drum heads I'm buying him for his birthday). We like to be able to go out to dinner or take an overnight to Cape Charles at the drop of a hat simply because we "feel like it." We like being lazy and simply not doing laundry or going grocery shopping today because we're tired (definitely can't be neglectful with a kid to care for). We like building our life together as a DUO. And the whole truth? We're still figuring each other and this whole "marriage thing" out.
We haven't completely counted out the possibility of children and frankly I know deep down that knowing (or believing) I have that choice is extremely important to me. I like being in a place in life to choose if right now is the time I want to bring a child in to our world.
Being a mother is a LOT of pressure. Raising someone and having only yourself to blame for their upbringing and their well-being is super scary to me! I don't want to mess that up! I SINCERELY and HUGELY applaud all moms and dads out there- serious kudos and props and applause and encouragement to you for taking on that incredible and selfless life choice- I am truly humbled by you.
But we're simply not there yet. We're selfish. I've said it. You can say it too-- it won't hurt my feelings if you feel that way based on our choice. But I'm happy I know that about me- happy I know that about us- happy WE know that about us. John and I are fortunately on the same page with this and maybe one day... in 3 or 4 or 5 years we'll have turned a few pages and found ourselves on the chapter entitled "Our Crazy Beautiful Life with Kids." Or maybe we'll never find ourselves at that chapter- I simply don't know right now (sometimes we joke about getting to be the cool aunt and uncle who spoil our nieces and nephews).
But until then I fully intend to continue to enjoy our life as a duo (with Charlie Dog in tow) and appreciate the beautiful, patient, loving, supportive, and amazing man I get to call my husband- a man I get to learn more about each day I wake up next to him.
I hope to one day be "ready" to raise a child (however ready someone can be for that) but today is not that day. And for now... I'm happy with that.
Best,
Sarah
Thank you for sharing this. I feel the same about having children, and thankfully I'm only engaged so no one asks me that questions of "Kids?". But I'm sure it'll come after I am married. I find people's reaction to my answer of not having kids say more about their values than mine. Some will smile, some will call me "Selfish/You'll change your mind" while some will say "That's cool."
ReplyDeleteIt's kind of a screening test for new acquaintances...those who don't jump to negative judgement get a brownie point in my book.
haha little do they know you're testing them, huh? ;)
DeleteI know what you mean though, the responses are pretty varied- and I've found age of the questioner (is that a word) has a lot to do with the reaction.
Homegirl. I said this. Haha I said ALL of that. Haha but that was six years ago and it grew on me. Annnnd being totally honest a lot of times thats why I say for now I ONLY want Aurora. So then we can still be a little selfish. I love couples that just love each other that much. That's why we are friends. ;)
ReplyDeletehaha little A is already beyond blessed and oh so spoiled to have you and Andrew as parents! And I love that you all are a few steps ahead of us so we can watch you do it and feel it out for ourselves. No pressure ;)
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